Being in the in-between is undoubtably the most difficult place to be. Not knowing what is going to happen next, what you should be doing or saying and the inevitable self doubt that comes from any major life change weighs heavily on your mind.
I am there. I have chosen to be there, but it’s hard. Knowing that you are making decisions that affect the lives of countless people, some of whom you love more than anything in this world. I am acutely aware of the damage that I am causing on a daily basis. I see it in the strained faces and hear it in the distant conversations.
The worst part though, is second guessing myself. Wondering if I am doing the right thing, making the right changes or if I am just ruining everything I have thus far built in my life. Giving up my outwardly perfect world to reset back seems crazy, but I know if I don’t do that I will live as I have been – unfulfilled, unhappy and not being the kind of spouse or parent that my loved ones deserve.
And so, I set off on this journey. One of self discovery and self acceptance. Some days are better than others. There are days when I love who I am and am excited about the new opportunities that I am going to have. And then when I least expect it I become overwhelmed at the prospect of going it alone. Thinking that I will forever be a disappointment, a failure in the eyes of everyone on the outside.
I am incredibly lucky to have a co-parent who is as dedicated to preserving our family unit as I am. Things aren’t perfect, but we are figuring things out as we go. Electing to choose happiness and understanding instead of the hate and negativity that all too often consumes people.
And that is exactly what I have learned through all of this. Life is about choices. You make the conscious choice every moment of every day to be either happy or sad, hateful or joyful. I choose the joy and happiness that I deserve, that my son and his dad and the rest of our families deserve. Not because it’s the easy choice, but because I know it’s the right one.